The last 4 and a half years, I have been in the mom black hole.  Not sure what that is?  It's that time after you or a friend has a child, and they just... disappear.  During that time, I have accomplished quite a bit.  However, it was time for me to search for what I wanted to spend more time on to fulfill me...

40 has been this really interesting milestone, but it hasn't.  I haven't had any fears, any disappointments... just really happy in the shoes I am in, in the place that I stand.  What made tears flow freely (twice) during this milestone?  Adjectives. 

It's been a long time since I have been sitting at an airport, by myself, with nothing but time, delays and a destination ahead of me.  And here I am... Waiting amongst strollers, car seats, and children that are not my own.  And I am torn... Why am I here? 

Jack was 2. His normal uneven self was all of a sudden... out. of. control.  The usually very good eater was throwing food, crying and screaming hysterically, could not even say a word.  I noticed him constantly walking on his toes and sometimes rolling his toes over like a ballerina to walk on them.  He was crashing into walls.  So I asked his teacher how he was in school.

39 weeks pregnant. I was treating myself to lunch every day until the baby came.  Those moments before the craziness of being a newborn mom again commenced. I sat enjoying my delicious meal at the Summit House in town.  Sitting next to me were two women, clearly great friends that have not seen each other in some time.  We chatted.  As I was leaving, she asked if she could touch my belly. Sure!  And that zap of energy from her aura to mine... it took my breath away and tears started rolling down my cheeks. I had to sit down.

It was a prenatal class. It was Manhattan, so it was wall to wall moms with bellies, small and large.  Then one woman comes in late, flustered, really a hyper aura around her.  We usually did a check in at the beginning of class.  How many weeks, what is happening with your body today, SI issues? Etc. This mom said she was trying to get pregnant, going through treatments. I felt the room judge her. 

This dining table has not received any action, until earlier this week.  Around the table I had lunch with two women, much like myself.  A previous life that included business cards, fancy titles and a kick ass wardrobe...

The three-nager year is a rough one. I thought 2 was hard... Take that and add a twist, and here we are.  Having a boy that has transitional challenges and sensory processing challenges, this season of change has been very difficult for this mommy.  I would actually say that Motherhood has broken me.

I tore through my closet.  All left over maternity stuff I put in a bag. All the stuff that I will pretty much never fit in again, or is a little too short to cover my dimpled thighs.. gone.

We had another great day/night.  Gavin was taken off hi-flow oxygen, then off oxygen all together. We got to remove the sensors off his body.

We have been bottle feeding 4 oz at a time every 3 hours and he has only thrown up 1 time since last update.  That was from the coughing. Another round of blood was drawn this morning for a re-test on liver levels.  He is getting back to his Gavin self and that makes me heart happy.

And just like that, I was advised that they are woking on discharge papers.

The last 5 days have been such a roller coaster. 

There is so much that I am thankful for... but most of all, I am thankful for being the room in PICU that did not need a lot of attention.  I am thankful for the doctors and nurses that I heard intubating a child across the hall and the whispers of the child being Helicoptered to Children's Hospital of Philadelphia- and us not being the parent of that child. I am thankful for the strength that everyone has given me, us, through this. 

Back at home, I gave Gavin his first bath in 5 days.  And seeing his sweet smile at the words "ready for a bath?" gave my heart a fullness that it has not felt in a week.

Thank you for all the posts, texts, outpouring of love and support. And as my friend in Africa said, I went "upstairs" for support. I went upstairs, lobby level, and and across the transverse. 

Our family is back together again.  And once again I take my position as the boy mom. And for that I am eternally grateful.

​Namaste.