Be Kind, Be Still

Sometimes the brain "knows", however your heart and soul do not follow suit.  It's strange that they are connected- the brain and the heart, however the communication between the two hemispheres are not quite direct, if not connected at all.

I learned from my talk therapist that the baby blues really can come into play 4-6 weeks after birth, and then if you are weening, this is a huge amount of hormones that are shifting in the body.  And here I am 5 weeks after birth, and almost done weening because baby G and my breastmilk did not get along... A double dose of changes, and along with my history of PPD/PPA, I knew that the baby blues would probably not even be a question. And it's here. 

I have been trying to make an effort to "check in" with myself to take stock of how and where I am emotionally the past few weeks.  What I find interesting is that in that effort, I was not able to even check in with myself.  My mind would not let me because I was starting to fall a little bit and something within me would not allow to check in. I knew that I was starting to fall. I have been working with my therapist on this, and what she pointed out was that for me to be able to check in, I needed to be still. Which I never am. I was eager to gain my clearance to start working out again because Yoga within itself, provides an immediate opportunity to be still, even in movement.  And I have not had that in a really long time. 

Then came the question of with the check in, what was I expecting? Would I be able to see what this idea of what "me being good" looked like? And that was the even bigger sticky part of this whole equation.  What does that destination look like? Is there a brass ring I was reaching?  Was there such thing as a brass ring?

And the answer is no.  My brain knows that there is no "perfect", but my heart and soul feels that there should be. And the disconnect of my brain knowing and my heart not understanding that... this within itself if where my challenges lay. 

As a mom, the guilt that we carry is real.  The guilt that I work with is no different from what other moms deal with.  Time management, child care, patience (or not enough of it)... the list goes on. At the end of the day, no one is judging me.  I am judging me.  It is me that is setting this expectation and self projecting this guilt onto myself.  This is real, and at the same time, it is not.

I have a lot more support this time around than I did with my first son. And I am feeling guilty about having the support. And somehow I am thinking that I should be able to do this all myself, but knowing darn well that there is not a snowball's chance in hell that I could even manage it right now. It is a double edged sword. It takes a village. And the first time around, a village I did not have. Now, I have that village and am not managing it well. 

The conclusion that I have come to is that I need to use my village and get to yoga.  So that I can be still in movement and check in with myself and that ever shifting brass ring.  The brass ring looks different day to day, hour to hour.  What does it look like in the moment. 

I got my clearance to work out, and I immediately went to a gentle yoga class. I rolled out my trusty Jade Yoga Mat - it is a deep red/maroon color... I laughed as I rolled it out remembering that when I bought it, I really wanted to get pregnant with a girl.  And here I am, 5 weeks after giving birth to a perfect healthy baby boy.  The birth the most painful, however healing birth. So happy to have another son, not caring about gender because he is healthy and perfect. And again I come to step onto the mat to continue my healing. And to be still, to breathe.

And finally, a reminder to be kind... to myself.  The only person judging me right now is me.  And I need to be nicer to myself. Give myself the space to fall, trip, and to recover again. Somehow, my brain and heart/soul will connect.

​Namaste